What do you do when you're at the office and you suddenly realize you need to take a ferocious dump? You're in, say, a Power Point presentation when the need to evacuate your colon becomes so powerful, pinpricks of sweat spring up on your forehead. The discussion around you blurs into thick paste.

So you excuse yourself, barely making it to the men's room when a co-worker comes from the other direction and holds the door for you.  The guy starts blabbing, "Hey, did you ever get a chance to review those Onstar documents I sent over?" as he steps into a stall.

Now, you have three choices:

1. wash your hands and pretend that's why you're in the bathroom in the first place;
2. unzip at a urinal and pretend to pee;
3. step into a stall. If this is one of those emergencies where your sphincter is clenched so hard you could make diamonds in your ass, #3 is your only choice.  But which stall? The one right next to him, so you can look down at his shoes, his hairy ankles? No. The stall at the far end.

Occupied. You see a flash of skin, thighs. You peer between the large crack that separates door from wall. (Why is the crack so large?)  Just then, the guy in the stall looks up at you. You recognize him. You look away, but too late. He knows you have seen him shit.

So now you can't sit next to him. But it's getting serious, so duck into whichever one offers the greatest illusion of privacy.  You unbuckle your pants and start to sit - but wait, inspect the seat for urine first.  Because for whatever unthinkable reason, some pigs go into stalls to pee and don't lift the seats.  And it's always the ones with the worst aim.  Or double streams that require surgical correction.

So once it's clean (don't even bother with those creepy crackly plastic covers), you take a seat.  And invariably, you can't go. Because you are certain that when you do release, it will be loud and powerful and wickedly malodorous. And you can't have these coworkers think of you in that way.

So you decide to just sit there until the others leave. But then you notice, it's suspiciously quiet. And it seems the others are doing exactly the same thing.

Sound like a familiar scenario? How is a man supposed to take a proper shit in an office environment?  Here are some simple guidelines:

1. Try and plan your poo. While you can only do your best in emergencies, less urgent situations allow you the luxury of planning and time.  Before 9:00 A.M., at lunchtime, while co-workers are in a meeting - scope it out and see when you will have a greater chance for solitude.
2. Go to a different floor. If you work in Sales, who cares if some geek in IT knows you have diarrhea?
3. No talking.  Ever.
4. If you find yourself in a stall and somebody sits next to you, freeze. Begin shallow breathing and do nothing that might attract attention. Any person who would willingly select a stall next to an already-occupied stall, lacks phobia and most likely has boundary issues. This could be a talker. This anonymous stall-user could turn out to be your boss or the guy in the next cubicle. You want to know as little about this person as possible. Don't so much as glance at their shoes.
5. Administer a "courtesy flush" after each bowel movement. This helps manage odors and covers fart noises, but it also says you are thoughtful and respectful, and it encourages others to do the same. Leadership has a place in the men's room.
6. Go for privacy but avoid using the handicapped stall. Not just because there might be somebody in an actual wheelchair who needs to use it, but because the extra space offers only an illusion of privacy. Everybody who enters a restroom and sees the handicapped stall occupied always has to peek through the extra-wide crack to see what asshole would take a space meant for somebody in a wheelchair.
7. Always wash your hands. With soap.

And if you brought a copy of DETAILS magazine with you, which of course you should have, leave it behind for the next person. In fact, leave it open to this very page.