| Online Dating |
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After Karen's husband left her and their young daughter for another woman, Karen spent three years hating him. That's one year longer than they were married. I watched as Karen gained weight, allowed her fingernails to grow long and dirty and settled into the cushions of her Pottery Barn sofa. "The only thing that keeps me going," she said, "is knowing that I got all his cookware. And it took him fucking decades to collect it all." Then Karen discovered match.com. And she became, "Drop-dead gorgeous, tall and shapely, eye candy." I was stunned when I read her ad. In no way did it reflect the person I had known for so many years. "They are lined up outside my door, baby," she wrote. "They are just running to my front door. It is a love marathon." But when the guys actually met Karen, they did start running. In the other direction. Really fast. Karen told me, "Online dating is bullshit. The guys are losers." But the problem wasn't the guys. The problem was, if you're going to say you're drop-dead gorgeous, you'd better be more than just dead. I have been online since it was possible to be online. I remember when the web was new and dark and strange. I remember when personal ads first appeared on AOL. I remember thinking, "This is the only way to meet people. This will change everything." Now, online dating services like match.com are common. And almost everybody has an online dating horror story. Where people show up mysteriously looking twenty years older than their picture. Or weighing a hundred pounds more than when it was taken. Or being the wrong sex. But I believe that online dating is still the best way to meet somebody. I met my partner Dennis through a personal ad and we're in our seventh year. So I know it can work. And because I've been using the internet to meet people for over a decade, I've gathered some experience around my waist. Here's why I think online dating is smart: it allows you to meet people outside your geographical and social circle. And it allows you to meet the interior of a person first. Because if you're like most people, even if you live in a huge city, you tend to visit the same drycleaner, the same grocery store, even the same movie theatre. But what happens if the right person for you lives only five blocks North? Chances are, you'll never meet them by chance. But that's one thing that's brilliant about online dating: it makes your world a little larger. And right up front you know a lot about a person: you know their spiritual beliefs, their favorite foods, and whether or not they want children. You don't get this information upfront in real life. If starting a family is a priority for you, why waste your time dating somebody who became sterile after she was treated for syphilis when she was thirteen? In the brutal offline world, you can't really ask somebody about their procreation plans on the first date. It makes you seem desperate. But with a personal ad, you often already know because dating websites usually have a little Q&A section for each person. But here's the thing: online dating only works when everybody is as honest as they can be. And this is where Karen made her mistake. She felt safe, hiding behind her sexy screen name. And she wrote an ad based on the person she would like to be, a fantasy version of herself. So, while her ad snared a couple of hundred replies, not one was a match. When you write a personal ad, what you want to do is be as honest as you can be. As an example, let's say you're losing your hair. But the idea of losing your hair is terrifying to you. So you are still in the pretending-it's-not-happening stage. Thinning hair is obvious to everyone, however. But it's only nasty on guys who refuse to accept it themselves. So. Instead of talking about the hair you used to have, "Thick, brown hair," try talking about the hair you really do have. "Psychologically, I have thick, wavy brown hair. But visually, it appears that it may be waving goodbye." You don't need two hundred replies to your ad. You only need one reply, from the right person. And finding the right person can take a while, even online. Maybe especially online. Which is why when I placed online personals, I left the ad up for nine months, a year. Because each day, new people visit dating websites. So write your ad, post it, then forget about it. When you get a reply, speak on the phone. And if all goes well, arrange a meeting. Try and keep your online and phone contact to a minimum. Many people make the mistake of developing intimacy before they actually meet face-to-face. They'll exchange a dozen emails, speak on the phone nine times and start to feel like they're falling in love. Then when they meet, there's no animal chemistry. But you need that animal chemistry. And there's no way to know if you have it until you are face-to-face. So use the internet as a portal to meet people, not fall in love with them. You can only get off on someone's typing skills for so long. Another thing to keep in mind is this: don't shy away from admitting something about yourself because you think it might turn-off potential dates. If you're not as trim as you'd like to be, don't lie and say you are. Just say you're not as trim as you'd like to be. The right person for you will be OK with you as you are. When composing your ad, avoid clichés. Phrases like "romantic dinners" and "enjoying all the city has to offer" don't mean anything. Get specific. What is it about romantic dinners that you like? Is it that you think lamb chops taste better when they are served on a white linen tablecloth? Or do you like being able to choose from 87 different wines when you go out? The more specific, the more YOU, that you can make your ad, the better it will be. And the more likely your chances are for attracting somebody who will appreciate you. A personal ad is like a net. You are fishing for tuna, so make sure that when you look in your net, you haven't trapped a lot of dolphins by mistake. |
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