| Can Gays Turn Straights? |
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Some straight guys complain that homos are always trying to get into their pants. My friend Mark is a perfect example. He's very handsome and very vain and he enjoys getting "looks" from women and men alike. But when men misinterpret his look back, it irritates him. "Why does he think he can convert me?" Mark recently asked. He was talking about his friend Eric. It seems that the two had been out drinking and in a haze of alcohol, Eric had made a pass. I rolled my eyes and waved it away. "Mark, forget about it. I mean, who hasn't ingested too much alcohol and then done something mortifying, like call an ex-girlfriend at 3 in the morning and cry? And then realize it's her new boyfriend who answered the phone and not her." I decided not to remind him that this example came so easily because I'd tried to initiate phone sex with a client back in my hideously alcoholic advertising days. Mark said, "Well, it really pisses me off. Homos think they can convert you. You become friends with them, you treat them like equals, you let your guard down and then WHAM. There's a homo hand on your ass." Mark has a point - sort of. It's actually a guy thing more than a gay thing. Guys are instinctively attracted to challenge. The hunt. The pursuit of prey that occasionally wants to be caught. Give a guy impossible odds and you awaken his primal need to conquer. I've known more than a few average-looking guys who have pursued incredibly beautiful women. Their beer bellies and bad breath in no way prevent them from stalking the lithe Helsinki model. If anything, it empowers them. It's a similar thing with gay guys. They see a handsome, sexy straight man who is maybe even a little flirty, and they rise to the challenge. For some fags, netting a straight guy is a real accomplishment. Sort of like being a brand manager who snares a Victoria's Secret model. Of course, a lot of straight guys are just asking for it. Although they won't admit it, they understand that they are not truly hot unless a gay guy thinks they are. It is widely understood that the modern American woman is a desperate creature, sitting home alone with pints of ice cream and a tape measure, reading single-girl Chick Lit books as her standards sink lower and lower. The sad fact is, even a pig of a guy can get a beautiful girl if he has money, power or a phone he will answer. But like teenage girls, gay men are shallow and obsessed with appearances. So straight guys know that if gay guys think they're hot, women must be thrown into a state of instant ovulation whenever they enter the room. It was only a year ago Mark asked me, "Do you think I've lost it?" When I asked what he meant he explained that at his new job there were three gay guys on the floor. "And not one of them has looked twice at me." It was then that I explained to him the fine points of shaving the back of his neck. I then told him the one thing most straight guys do not want to hear. I said, "You know, you're probably imagining it. All these homos you think are always coming onto you? They're probably just being nice. And because you're such an insecure fuckwad, you think it's because they want to convert you or something. But I bet," and here, I smiled. "I bet they wouldn't want to get into your pants. Because, you know. They can tell. " And I gave him a sad, "I know your penis is tiny" look. "What's that supposed to mean?" he said, quite alarmed. "Mean?" I responded innocently. "Nothing." "Like hell," her fired back. "And I can prove it." He jumped up and closed his office door, unzipped his pants and waved his dick at me. "See! That's not small." And I said, "Mark? Why the fuck are you showing me your dick? I've told you before, I like you a lot as a friend, but I am NOT interested in anything romantic. Jesus." |
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