It was impossible to say what I needed to say because it would have taken too long. And I wish I had said this first but my internal triage system seems to be down. Okay.

You said, “I can get ten, I can get to ten.” The fact is, if you can get to ten, you can get to ten thousand.  Actually, if you can make it ONE day without drinking –just ONE SINGLE DAY, TWENTY FOUR HOURS, you can get to day ten-thousand.

I was stunned by your emotional intensity.  I get that a chunk of that was because of the circumstances and everything, but it made me wonder –maybe this is part of what’s getting in the way?  Emotions and alcoholics don’t mix, alcoholics have to basically go to emotional kindergarten to learn what they even feel, let alone how to deal with it.  You mentioned that buzzing or thrumming in your chest. ALWAYS. This is exactly what I’m talking about. You need to find a place for that. I’m no psychologist or addiction specialist, but I can tell you from my own experience, I had to replace the alcohol with something. And you have to be careful when you do that because you don’t want to trade a broken back for a broken scull. So I started writing. Start a journal. And then just write about what’s in your head, talk. But use your fingers. But talk. And tell it everything you are feeling and worried about and what you dread and what you hate and what’s good so far and on and on. It’s incredibly useful once you get used to doing it and you get into a rhythm because it’s soothing. It gives you something to focus on. But the best thing is that you can just go CRAZY on the page. You can scream and shout and cry and fall apart and be a huge mess, right there on the page. My only advice with this project is don’t treat it like a book or something that will one day be read. That will just add a scrim between you and your feelings and thoughts and it won’t be effective. You have to think of this as a tool. Like a blow torch.  You just use it because it fixes things. Don’t think about style or voice or any of that other shit. Just talk. And don’t think you have to start by giving the journal background.  You don’t have to ’set up’ a “scene’ in a journal. Just start right where you feel. If somebody said something to you and it upset you, start there. Don’t even bother explaining who this person is, etc. Do you follow me? Try to pretend you will never read what you are writing. And nobody else will either. It’s your locked-away-forever record of crawling past the TEN.

It’s your ONE journal. You just want ONE sober day. And the goal is, to keep on collecting.

We talked about finding other sober people. Alcoholics who are USING, kind of get weird when you mention “sober” people. Like we are a different species who will judge them or harm them. What you have to try and keep in your head is that sober people are your drinking buddies…but they aren’t drinking anymore. These are the guys who will completely understand what you’re feeling.

Do AA.  Drink the Kool Aid. These are your peeps. You shouldn’t feel like you’re alone, struggling. What is that about? That’s horrible. We’re monkeys. We need to be with the other monkeys or we get broken in the head. Never be ashamed for needing help. I need help constantly, with everything. I drive people FUCKING CRAZY with my constant need for assistance in all matters great and small. But I can hardly do anything at all. You know what? Dignity, pride, humility –all that stuff is overrated. Just like common sense. Also overrated. When I walk into a big party or a room full of strangers, do you think I worry about how I come across? I don’t even think about it. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. Did I put the STOP THINKING OTHER PEOPLE’S THOUGHTS thing in Dry? I can’t remember if I did but that is such great cliché advice. The other great piece of cliché advice was: FEELINGS ARE LIKE THE WEATHER –THEY PASS. That one saved my ass many times. Naps. Take naps. Nap it out. Cravings ARE feelings and they DO pass. They DO.

But I’m not telling you ONE THING here that you won’t hear from any sober person you grab by the sleeve. This is NOT special proprietary Augusten advice. I can’t be there dragging you around to meetings and telling you to call me at 2am when you’re cracking up. I live a day behind you, back in the past. You need to find somebody who lives nearby. And lean on them

You have such an amazing energy and passion. I wish I could snap my fingers and fix you. But in a way, that’s what I’m trying to do. SNAP, SNAP, go find sober people. Go to AA and just sit there and listen. Go every day. Go twice a day.

EVERYTHING good in my life, everything I care about –from my friends and family to Bentley and The Cow –all of it is because I got sober. I do not drink. I did. But now I don’t. It was fun for a while. And even when it was horrible, it was still comforting in a lot of ways. But not COMPARED to being sober. Everything is better sober.  Even misery is better sober. Otherwise, I would have gone back to drinking a long time ago. It’s better over here. The grass IS greener and there aren’t any snakes in it, like on your side.

I’m right about this.  I don’t get to say that about a lot of things. But I am right about this stuff. You should do the famous 90/90. Where you go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I did that. A lot of the time it was annoying and got in the way of things I wanted to do (write) but I did it. Half the time I wouldn’t even pay attention. But? I didn’t drink. You won’t either. AA is a total buzz-kill. And it kind of clings to you after you leave. Like those breakfast places where you walk in for five minutes to see if they sell Red Bull and they don’t so you walk right out but for the rest of the day your shirt smells like breakfast? That’s AA and that’s why you shouldn’t even contemplating this bit of advice. You should just mindlessly follow my instructions: 90 meetings in 90 days. Just carry out the plan. Just show up and sit down.

I wish I could have spent all my time with you tonight. That’s what you need. You need to be taken care of right now. You need somebody who has been there to take you by the hand and show you that getting sober really has nothing to do with days. This ten day limit of yours is vapor. It’s mist. It’s less than mist. You don’t need to have ten days to be sober. That’s nine more than you need. You just need to be sober for ONE day. This day. Today. And then tomorrow? Don’t go there yet. You just focus on now.

Like that. And when it is tomorrow, do it again. Don’t think about tomorrow, only today. If today is too large a chunk, go hour by hour. Say, “I won’t have a drink until noon.” And then no matter how hard it is and no matter how much you want that drink, wait. Wait until noon. And then when it’s noon, exhale. And roll your neck around. And notice: all of a sudden you are a TINY bit less uncomfortable than you were just ten seconds before NOON. It’s like being on a treadmill. You can’t do that last four minutes. But then when you reach your goal, all of a sudden you feel like you could keep going. The TORTURE is kind of…not quite as sharp. So then decide to wait until 1. And do it like this, one, two, three all day long.

Don’t make the mistake I made. Don’t wait for the “right time” to get sober. When you “have more things pulled together” or “feel ready.” Get sober right now.

This is the time. This is the place.  Go meet yourself. There’s a guy in there you don’t even know. He’s the sober version of you. Go get him.

It’s going to be okay, B. (shit, I hope I remember your name correctly…pretty sure I do…because you crumpled up the yellow sticky with your name printed on it and kept it in the center of your fist. And now I will permanently remember the expression on your face as you realized what you had done, then slowly unfolded the note and showed me your name. it was the great reveal. There you were: astonished to find yourself in the palm of your own hand –folded, soggy- but perfectly, perfectly fine.)

-augusten