Augusten Burroughs - Blob

John Updike

Sunday, February 8 2009 1:22 PM

RABBIT? RUN! HEY, WAKE UP. RAAAAAAABBIT? WHAT'S THE MATTER WI-

updke

Poor dead John Updike. Lots of people have emailed me and asked if I sold off my Updike first editions and I haven't. But my crazy friend Suzanne in California – who appears in the Magical Thinking essay KILLING JOHN UPDIKE- emailed me within hours of the announcement of his death. Here's her email:

i'm on the phone to rare book dealers in NY and SF. they're all interested. of course they are.

PLEASE. the MAN IS DEAD, HE'S JOHN UPDIKE.

i have TWENTY SIGNED FIRST EDITIONS IN VERY GOOD/FINE CONDITION. BUT IT'S RABBIT RUN AND THOSE 4 BOOKS THAT EVERYONE SALIVATES OVER THE MOST. YOU CAN JUST IMAGINE HOW THEY'LL MARK THEM UP. SO I'M NOT GOING TO BE VERY FLEXIBLE. I THINK NOT.

AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Later, she sent a follow-up message:

It came to me the other day:
Were I to die, no one would say,
"Oh, what a shame! So young, so full
Of promise — depths unplumbable!"

Instead, a shrug and tearless eyes
Will greet my overdue demise;
The wide response will be, I know,
"I thought he died a while ago."

For life's a shabby subterfuge,
And death is real, and dark, and huge.
The shock of it will register
Nowhere but where it will occur.

JOHN UPDIKE

Then she sent a third email:

IT'S FUCKING AMAZING.

IT'S THE BABY JESUS.

BECAUSE I NEED LOTS OF CASH NOW TO WAIT OUT THIS FUCKING HOUSING SLUMP. OR TO JUST SAY FUCKIT.

THE TIMMING IS EXQUISITE. I FEEL LIKE HE DIED AS A FAVOR TO ME.

And then she decided not to sell them after all.

Speaking of dead things, I thought you might enjoy this:

blob2deaddaddyglobe

It was created by New England glass artist, Josh Simpson. He's famous for making these glass “planets.”

http://www.joshsimpson.com/site/index.php?page=planets

What's somewhat special about this particular planet, however, is that it is eternal home of my Dead Daddy. This little detail I didn't include in A WOLF AT THE TABLE, but after my father died, my stepmother presented me and my brother with the globe you see above. (And you can see a larger image on Flickr)

As I unwrapped the box she explained that she'd given some of my father's remains -in the form of his ashes- to Simpson, who then incorporated them into the globe.

Maybe incorporated isn't the right word. Sprinkled.

You can see him if you look at the lower right portion of the globe. See that cloudy, gray area? Those aren't clouds! They're daddy!

My brother received a larger globe.

But size doesn't matter, does it? Not when we're talking about glass planets. But when we're talking about diamonds? Size does matter.

http://www.gemsmart.us

And no, this isn't a joke. You really can have the ashes (or the hair!) of a loved one (or a pet!) turned into a man-made diamond. Diamonds, after all, are only carbon, crushed by enormous pressure under tremendous heat. Nothing a modern laboratory can't handle.

Of course, there is a problem. If you're like me? You'll decide to have your loved one turned into a memorial diamond after they die, only to then begin to keep thinking about and begin wanting the diamond. And before you know it, you're all, “Oh, stop. Looking both ways before crossing the street is for kids. Go ahead, just walk!”

I have told Dennis -again and again- that if I croak first, I want to be preserved with taxidermy and then posed on the bed with my laptop, which should be turned on each morning.

Who knows, maybe I'd even update the blob more.

Update

Sunday, February 1 2009 12:05 PM

Our resident fashion designer, James Anthony, has launched a new website.

http://jamesanthonyapparel.com

I still think the prices are too low, given the manual labor (all his) involved in creating these designs, but I guess that's a good thing, considering the economy. So now, even if you have to live in a cardboard refrigerator box out on the street, at least you can look cool. James has also created some new items for augusten.com visitors -including Sylvia Plath oven mitts, a second Official Augusten T-shirt, this one with a picture of Young Augusten on it, and my favorite: the Diana Princess of Wales long and short sleeved T. I am wearing this shirt right this minute and plan never to take it off.

newDIANAshirt

In other news, the tour schedule for A WOLF AT THE TABLE paperback is being finalized. Most of the venues have been selected, dates set. So make sure you visit the tour page to see if I'll be coming to your area. This paperback tour is special because I'm visiting cities and towns I either haven't visited before or don't visit often. Nashville, Asherville, Durham, Vail and Sundance are but a few of the stops.

I am sorry that I haven't posted anything for so long, but I was finishing my holiday book, YOU BETTER NOT CRY. As you know, moderation is not one of my strengths, so when I'm working on a book I am ONLY working on a book. I even had to send Dennis and the dogs upstairs to sleep so I could work through the nights. But I did finish the book and it surprised me, frankly. I didn't write the holiday book I was expecting to write. Fans of DRY will be in for something special -because I decided to publish something I never thought I would publish. But I took my own advice: sometimes, the things you don't want to write about are the very things you must.

I have been very busy with some new non-book related projects and while it's extremely challenging and time consuming, I am having a lot of fun. Sorry to be so vague, but I'll fill you in as soon as I can.

Of interest to my fellow computer nerds: I am using Crunch Bang! Linux and I love it. The simplicity is so focusing. I also really like Mandriva. They seem to have tamed the KDE desktop better than other distros.

Of course, I used Mac for years -since 1985. And I love Macs. But in later years, the hardware was unable to stand up to the rigors of my literally constant typing. After replacing my Macbook three times in one year I decided, enough. I moved to a ThinkPad, which I think is incredibly cool looking in a retro, 1982 way. But mainly, I love ThinkPads because they are so durable, but their customer service is disgraceful and I expect I won't purchase more of their units. I am currently using a two ThinkPads and a Dell XPS 1530. All of these run some form of Linux except the Dell which is runinng Windows 7 Beta 7000. I absolutely detest XP and Vista, but especially Vista which is the most slovenly, condescending operating system imaginable. I find it infuriating.

Windows 7, however, is magnificent. It achieves a Mac level of invisibility and useability while improving upon certain Mac features. It's very light and crisp, clearly inspired by the KDE desktop for Linux. I never thought I would be able to tolerate a Windows OS, let alone that I would rave about one, but Windows 7 is truly excellent.

Lastly, a friend introduced me to a program that has literally changed my life. Microsoft Word, naturally, is unable to open my very old Microsoft documents. Rendering my document archives utterly useless. OpenOffice can open more documents, but I still have documents in other formats -old AOL mail files- that I have not been able to read.

Enter Core TextEdit 3.0. It opens everything, saves anything and has allowed me to restore my archives. And it's free. Perhaps I am the last person to learn about this program, but if you have old text files you can't access no matter what you try, try this. It worked for me.

And last, I have activated my Flickr account. I've had it for a while but have not opened it to the public. Now it's open and filled with all my crappy pictures. Well, not all. I have about 40 gigs worth of photo files from the last few years alone. I'll be adding more photos all the time. These images stream directly into the photo album here on the website. And, of course, you can subscribe to my photostream by visiting flickr and clicking on the RSS icon.

Getaway

Saturday, January 10 2009 12:00 AM

I just wanted to let you know that Dennis and I are going on vacation Sunday to a remote island where there isn't even any email. Privately, I do not consider this a "vacation" but rather a minor punishment for being online or otherwise computer-engaged at all hours of the day. Why not vacation in Toronto? Or some other place with sugar free Red Bull and at least 3G wireless. This little island looks very pretty in pictures and I know people who have stayed there. But still. The online "virtual tour" was more than enough for me.

I got it.

I managed to complete my holiday book over the holidays. YOU BETTER NOT CRY will be released in October.

I have shocking and exciting news. But I don't think I can say.

James Anthony is busy working on a number of new (T-shirt) designs for the site, one of which I am especially excited about.

The chair lady just arrived and the dogs are GOING CRAZY so I have to go. More later, unless the swirling island currents have other plans in store for me.

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