This Wednesday, June 4th, I will be in Toronto, Ontario. My schedule is posted both on my APPEARANCES page and below. So with Canada on my mind, I thought I would take this opportunity to share with you some things you may not know about that vast land above.
Okay, well everybody knows Canada is responsible for Celine Dion. Many experts believe that Dion’s remarkable lung capacity is a result of her Canadian heritage - with a lower population density than the United States, Canadians are able to breathe more fresh, never-before-inhaled air. Here in America, especially in the cities, much of our air is “used,” having already passed through numerous lungs. In 2001, Celine Dion aimed her mouth at a fourteen foot sheet of 3/4 inch-thick glass suspended above a Los Vegas stage and, singing only one note “…..on” (From My Heart Will Go On -Love Theme from Titanic) which she sustained for forty-seven seconds, her voice shattered the glass into over one-hundred-thousand pieces, none larger than the size of a pea. So. THAT is the power of Canada for you, my friends.
But did you know they also created supermodel Linda Evangelista in their renowned Science and Beauty Laboratory in St. Catharines, Ontario? The S&B lab is a subsidiary of Bristol-Myers Squibb, which for nearly a century has been one of Canada’s premier research-based biomedical and supermodel creation companies. (They also created male model, Chris Brown.) I have seen Linda in person and I can tell you her skin is the EXACT texture of fine bone china, gently licked by a virgin. She was created “as an antagonist to the vanity of the American woman; we wanted to create the unattainable ideal, thus allowing the common woman to allow herself a sense of resignation and, ultimately, acceptance of her own appearance.” Truly, she represents a triumph of Canadian design and bioengineering. No cosmetic you apply to your face will ever make you resemble her in the slightest, just so you know. But that was, after all, the entire point. She is what you will never be. She has what you want and will never be allowed. She is the face you will never see in the mirror. Utterly brilliant, if you ask me. Right up there with the Blackberry, which is ALSO a Canadian invention.
What else has Canada given us? Well.
Author David Rakoff. Who is sexy, funny, mean in a good way, an actor -and BEST OF ALL- the heir to the Sanitation Disk Company fortune. Sanitation Disk Company is the fancy-pants name for the Ontario-based company that manufactures those pink urinal mints that are in EVERY urinal in the entire world. What EVERY man aims for? Rakoff has achieved -or inherited. He’s very down-to-earth about it but whenever we have dinner, I make him tell me stories and OH MY GOD, you would not believe the crazy stuff that goes on in a urinal mint family.
What else? Snow blowers, dump trucks, foghorns, cream soda, the Lithium battery, IMAX, the Rotary Vane Pump, the telephone (hello!), the Java programming language and much, much more! Below is an image of a Rotary Vane Pump, though this specific Vane Pump was made in Italy. Italians are known to just take what they want, when they want it. Which is why they are SO MUCH TROUBLE to date or marry. Believe me, I have one so I know -an Italian, not a Vane Pump. But the object below, which does impressive things, was INVENTED by a Canadian person. The Italians just electroplated it with 14K gold and added a pretty logo.
So yeah, I totally dig Canada and by the way? The Toronto airport is truly a dazzling masterpiece of order and style.
The French could learn a thing or two about airports from the Canadians, as theirs resembles something designed by a child using only household trash and then actually built by people who couldn’t operate a wrench.
And Joni Mitchell is Canadian. So next time you get all smartassy about Canada, thinking, “Oh, it’s just extra space up there…for us…in case we need it,” you play “A Case of You” and start forking over a little respect. From Joni Mitchell to the urinal mint…only in Canada can you “Uncover an experience to remember.” Which is their official slogan. And reminds me of how last year, New York City hotels were suddenly infested with bed bugs. Remember THAT?
Canada is NOT America’s bitch. In fact, with the value of our dollar in the toilet, Canadians are coming down here to shop -we’re their bitch. And why shouldn’t they take advantage of the bargains? We’ve ruined our economy and Fifth Avenue is the new Walmart for the world. The fact is, we are now Canada’s whore, complete with greasy blue eye shadow and chalky white concealer. Bend over? OKAY!
Everybody always says, “Canadians are just like Americans,” but this is another lie. Canadians are more like Europeans. The average Canadian knows, for example, what’s geographically south of China. We don’t. We have no idea what’s below China. Iran? Tasmania? We don’t care. Australians are more like us, actually. And on THEIR “Big Brother” you can see swinging meatsticks because they don’t have the ***sex*** issues we have.
But Canadians can be…touchy. Like, on my original schedule I had posted, “I will be in Toronto, Canada” on…such and such a date and a Canadian man wrote me and said he was offended. “You wouldn’t write, ‘I will be in Boston, America,’ or ‘Texas, United States.’ The proper wording is, ‘Toronto, Ontario.’” Of course I was mortified because I had no idea Ontario was the container for Toronto. I still don’t quite understand how it all works up there. All I know is, I better say, “Toronto, Ontatio” or some guy in a black-and-red check hunter’s jacket with four Ph.D’s and a maple leaf button on his lapel is going to show up at my reading with his baby seal club and BEAT THE CRAP out of me.
Not to complain, because that would be rude to my Canadian hosts, but WHY aren’t they sending me to Vancouver? And Halifax? God, I love Halifax. Just the name alone. But anyway, the people up and over there are really cool. Lots of great music, bookstores, young people. And then they have these sort of formal English-y gardens that just DROP OFF right at the sea. It’s amazing. I could totally live there. But they would never let me in. You can buy a farmhouse RIGHT ON THE CLIFFS overlooking the ocean. And their houses look almost exactly like our houses, except slightly different. Which I love. Like, the toilets, the door knobs, the light switches. It’s when the little daily stuff like this is different that you really feel you are in a foreign country. See the Canadian toilet below? You could serve appetizers on it. This turns the common act of urinating into performance art. Try finding THIS baby in Sheboygan.
So here is my schedule for Toronto, ONTARIO:
Wednesday, June 4, 7:30 pm
Brigantine Room, Harbourfront Centre
235 Queens Quay West, Toronto
$8/Free for members and students with ID
Box Office: 416-973-4000
Website: www.readings.org
Thursday, June 5, 7:00 PM
Indigo Manulife
55 Bloor Street East, Toronto
www.indigo.ca
So the picture above? This is pretty much what you can expect. I stole this shot from “Doop!” on Flickr. I hope that’s OK. Here’s the link for Doop!’s stuff.
Now, if you are in the hospital, in prison or otherwise cannot attend one of my events, you can still experience me in the Canadian habitat.
On Wednesday between 4:00 and 5:00 I will appear on a television interview with George Stroumboulopoulos, host of CBC’s The Hour on CBC.
On Thursday at 8:45 am I will be on air with Seamus O’Regan, Canada AM/ CTV Studio. Is this television or radio? That is simply too much to expect me to know, I’m sorry.
At 2:30 on Thursday I will be be with Jelena Adzic of CBC’s The Scene.
Also on Thursday at 3:20 I will be on the radio with Interview with Dave “Bookie” Bookman from 102.1 The Edge ** focus on audio book**
And on Friday at 8:45 am Interview with Shawn Proulx from 103.9 PROUD FM
And at 6:PM Friday I will be interviewed by John Moore from Newstalk 1010 CFRB on The John Moore Show.
And I THINK this is all my LIVE coverage. But there are many more interviews that I guess will run later. But if it is remotely possible, COME SEE ME IN PERSON. We will have so much fun. I swear. The events in both the US and UK have been…INTENSE.
Okay, that’s all I have to say tonight. Oh wait, no it’s not. What is the MATTER with me? I need to THANK those of you who contacted me asking about my health. I am FINE. I missed my Manchester Center event because my back “went out.” I have a bad back. But it got fixed. But then in Denver, it went out for like an hour. And when I say, “went out” what I mean is, it froze and I couldn’t move and I had to remain flat on the floor like a dead person. It happened again Sunday and, because Jesus hates me, it happened before my event and I was unable to do anything except be pitiful and call my publicist. You cannot IMAGINE how miserable I was thinking of people showing up, sitting in chairs, WAITING and WAITING only to be told, “The Asshole isn’t coming.” So I BEG of you, Manchesterians -come to my event when it is rescheduled and ALL of you who show up (again) will receive, as my gift and offering of apology, a free copy of my new audio book -which ain’t cheap. I know that a lot of people had planned their evenings around this event, gone well out of their way to attend, even traveled great distance and I didn’t sleep at ALL last night, despite the pain medication, because I felt so horrible about missing this show. I WILL make it up to you, Vermont. I will give you the BEST show EVER. I will return with not only free audio books but SURPRISES and THINGS. Maybe I will even bring Bentley and Cow with me on stage. And maybe I can talk a famous person into coming with me and just standing there and being famous.
